She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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