Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
