I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
