mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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