I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
