if you like me you must not know who I am
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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