Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
