The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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