This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
