I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
