Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
