I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
