i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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