last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
