Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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