How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
