God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
