The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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