in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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