and she was petting her beer can
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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