I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
