How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
