Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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