I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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