oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
