I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
