i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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