Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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