thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
