The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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