She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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