Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
