I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
