He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
