Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
