the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
