: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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