The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
