a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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