I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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