bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
