I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
