I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
