Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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