Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
