through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
