I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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