I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Randomize
