Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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