I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
